


Indifferent

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 09:45:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is the hero, he is everything. --Raymond Chandler, "Hero" [12/10/03]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Indifferent

## Indifferent

#### by silvina

  
Standard Disclaimer. The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone. The muse lives. Please send comments, questions, compliments, and otters to sdelcul@yahoo.com. Standard Disclaimer. I   
can pretend if you can. Please send comments, questions, compliments, and otters to sdelcul@yahoo.com.   
  
  
  


* * *

I've always loved my older brother, even as a little kid. He was always the perfect big brother. He let me tag along; always let me play with the big kids, even when his friends didn't want me to. And he always protected me from bullies, even the ones that were bigger than he was. In my eyes, that was barely possible. He was always a hero to me, even before he became one to the world as a soldier and a highly decorated cop. 

That's probably why I always hated him, too. He's so much of a fucking hero that even to myself it's hard to admit that part. It's just that he's too perfect. Too heroic. My Jimmy was always strong, and stubborn, and honest. Right was right, even if it wasn't easy. When I was eight he made me walk back to Mr. Jacob's Grocery and pay for the chocolate I'd lifted. He was ten. 

I remember being amazed that he'd known. I didn't dare do anything for years, because I was sure that he would know, and worse, be disappointed in me. That's probably what made me do a one eighty years later when I wrecked Dad's car and let Jim take the blame. He was just too perfect. It was like he could do whatever he wanted without worrying about the rules that always held me back. 

When dad found out about the car and blew up at Jim, I was almost happy. Of course, it went further then I had intended when Jimmy left, but I had no idea he'd leave for good. And joining the Army? He was supposed to come home a few days later, humble and ready to play by Dad's rules. I'm sure that's what Dad thought would happen, too. I just wanted to knock him down a few pegs; see him break under the pressure, and be human. 

And then when he left, and didn't come back, I mentally shrugged. Whatever. If he didn't want or need me, then I didn't want or need him either. I lied to myself through college and business school, until the Army called and told Dad and me that he was presumed dead. I broke up with Carol and cried for a week. Got so drunk I failed all my exams that week. I almost wanted to have some consequences, but everybody "understood." Poor Steven, his brother just died. Oh yeah, I heard he was a hero. 

I couldn't stand it. After a while I just repressed it all. Studied my ass off during the summer to catch up, and graduated at the top of my class. Beat Jim's GPA by a quarter point, and I wanted someone else to notice. At least I figured that would be the end of the comparisons. 

If Jimmy had gone to business school, if Jimmy was interning at my company . . . forget that Jimmy left because he didn't _want_ to go to business school or work for you, dad. 

Then a few weeks after graduation I found out that Jimmy really was a hero when they brought him back from Peru. My own brother, a hero, and other then one phone call from the Army letting me know, everything else I know about what happened to him is from the magazine articles. 

He never called, never visited. I found out he was back in Cascade when he married Carolyn Plummer. 

I didn't rate an invitation. Then again, if he didn't need me, and after thirteen years that could be safely assumed, then I didn't need him either. I hadn't drunk in those years in between, but I got drunk again when I heard about the divorce. I wanted to call and talk to him, but I couldn't. Not after everything. 

I scanned the papers daily to see how he was doing when he became a cop. Perfectly well, as expected. Word on the street was that even the people he pissed off respected him as a cop. 

He always was untouchable. It's like the crap just didn't stick to him. 

And then finally, it happened. I was at the track on business at the same time he was there with some friends. He played it cool, and I played it like a fool. My big brother was standing in front of me, and for a moment it was like I'd just found out he was alive, all over again. Dammit, I wanted to cry and have him tell me that it was all right and that he forgave me and he loved me and we could be brothers again. Of course, if I had, and he had, I probably would have hated him again. 

Instead it's just "we'll be in touch." And I'm watching him walk back to his friends. Watching the little guy with long hair that Jim walks off with, who makes him smile while I barely rate a nod. Then he actually thinks I might have killed Ben Prince, and I was just so angry I said some stupid shit about the Cop of the Year stuff, when really, I'd been so proud that I walked around telling everybody, "Hey, that's my big brother." 

I'm such an idiot. Of course he would be suspicious. Everything he remembered of me as a boy, and everything he knew as a cop should have made me the perfect suspect. If I ruined his life because dad wouldn't take me to Singapore with him when Ms. Quinley gave me a "B" in algebra, he had no reason to trust me now. 

I kept making the same mistake and letting my anger at myself and the mess I'd gotten myself into with Pat interfere. In the end, he was the adult. 

Surprised the hell out of me when he invited me to the awards dinner, but I managed to tell him I was sorry, and he forgave me. He put his arms around me, and I knew he really had forgiven me because he hadn't touched me since the day before the Cobra incident. Jimmy doesn't touch when he's angry. 

I've got my big brother back again, and this time I'm not letting him go. 

* * *

End Indifferent by silvina: sdelcul@yahoo.com  
Author and story notes above.

  
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